why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
