I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
