Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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