We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
