I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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