I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
