I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
