Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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