Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
