Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I know her cup size but not her name....
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize