My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
