There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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