how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
