There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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