I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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