I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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