My nipple is on Facebook.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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