found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
