i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
