Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
