You smell like a Billy Joel song
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Randomize
