Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
