Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
