I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize