Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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