just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
