I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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