wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
