Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
