I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
