I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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