i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
