my mouth tastes like poor choices
one might say we're banned from that church
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
