I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
