A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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