I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
