so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
