smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
