That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
