I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
