Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
