if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
