matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize