a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
