3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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