I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
