If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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