i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize