wrigley field is MILF paradise
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Randomize
