You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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