Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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