I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
