just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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