i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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