So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
