I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
