I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
