He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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