If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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