we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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