I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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