i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
