I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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